I don’t want to be married anymore

So I started the day by going to the bank. I leave for SF tomorrow and wanted to make sure I have enough money and I needed a replacement ATM card.

Then I further procrastinated by hitting the H&M and Old Navy to find some cheap fashion and PJ’s.
Then I took the M7 home- now you know I am procrastinating!!

I walked in and literally steeled myself. Jaw clinched. Do it!! It was very very hard. I was freezing cold.

And I sat in my yellow chair across from him and said, “I don’t think we should be married anymore.”

As I said it, my heart was in my ears.
And even so, I felt a weight lift. Not that the worst is over- but I think just because the good is in the future. I am sure there will be worse to come…

He started out surprised. Of course. He covered his face with one hand. He did not cry. He said he had done everything I asked him to do except get a regular job. He said he has no one he is close to. He said he loves me very much. He said that it sounded like I made my decision. That was the “shocked and sad” Jeff.

I said that I had been building up to this- it was not a rash decision. It was the culmination of the last year of living like roommates. I said that there were things I didn’t know about him like his seeing a play with a friend or his plans to go to GA in June to visit my aunt. I said that he has to feel the distance too. We have not had sex in almost a year.

I feel like all I do is go to work, come home, watch TV, go to sleep and do it all over again.

He can’t be happy having a wife that is unaffectionate and sad and resentful. I said that my not having a child was the biggest regret of my life but that part of the problem was that he would never desire to be a stay at home father nor would I feel great about being a bread winning mother who let her husband raise the child. I’d be resentful in that way too.

I said that we could try counseling but that I didn’t think it would really work at this point and that back when it might have worked he didn’t want to go.
Then after some silence, the anger came.

He said that I was someone he didn’t know. He said that he had allowed me to have my space. He had done extraordinary things like having his semen extracted. (never mind my own invasive & painful fun times at the doctor) And that the inequality in money was not as different as i’d like to think. (are you FUCKING kidding me???!!)

Louie was frantically asking to go out. He was going to take him but I moved first and took Louie out.

I walked across Amsterdam and called my mom. She was not answering!! Kendell was not answering. Danielle didn’t answer! No one to talk to! I texted them I was ok and that I told him.

I got Lou back to the house and Jeff was sitting by the window. He was pissed.

“I am looking into the barrel of a gun” he keeps saying. “This affects me in ways you cannot imagine”. Aha! He has thought about living expenses while I have walked the dog.

I say that we should think for the next three days and then we could figure out the logistics. He wants to go there now. “obviously you have given this some thought- what do we do?”

I say that the lease is up in Feb and that we would likely part ways then and we would work the rest out in the meantime and after. I say, “I want to make sure you are safe” I say that the ML account is his and he can use that to secure an apartment and live.

He says “i have no credit! everything is in your name!”. I said we can switch the ML to him on Monday. (I am not sure this is right as I think about it- what if he blows 50k on hookers and coke- am I back to possibly supporting him?)

Then he said he didn’t know how long it would take to sell the beach house. So here I go… “maybe we keep the beach house for a while and sell it when the bridge across the outer banks gets built”… It clicks.

He gets that I now think we are splitting the beach house. He is livid. “so now you think Stan was your daddy?” he says he knows my mom dated a lawyer and I might think I am smarter than him but he knows the law.

He says something about “dissolution of marriage due to abandonment of the marital bed”. “What wife doesn’t give her husband a blow job in 6 years?” i do not take the bait but I can think of quite a few and, for my own record, he has CERTAINLY gotten blow jobs in the last 6 years.

What I do not say to him is that sex with him is AWFUL. Sweating, grunting lack of eye contact and (thank god) fast. And that he has the smallest penis I have ever seen. True.

So instead I counter with the fact that NY became a no fault state. I say that I had a 20 minute (really an hour and 20) consult with an atty that I did not hire- I want to do this amicably- and the atty said that the house would likely be sold and we would split the profits after the mortgage was solved.

Now he is furious- I am cold and calculating and have already seen an atty and must be a horrible person that he never really knew. I ask why is it ok that he has a survival instinct but not ok that I do. I tell him I saw the atty because I was afraid I’d have to pay alimony and I didn’t want to.

I am calm through all of this- but he later attributes my calm to not caring about him.

Now he’s in for a fight. He brings up hiring his own atty- I ask him how he’d pay for one. He says if I get half the beach house that he should get half my salary. I say that if I had kept all my salary saved in the bank he could have half- but that’s not how we live. I say, “do you want alimony?” and he first says no- probably because it seems weak. But I think he wants something monetary because he just keeps saying that I am leaving him looking down the odd proverbial gun barrel he keeps bringing up.

I say that he has 50k to find a new apartment. He says he only makes 6k a year and I tell him that was his choice. He could go out and get a job. He cannot afford to keep our current apartment even with a roommate and I don’t need 2 bedrooms.

I said, “I have given you a nice existence here on the Upper West Side.” he said- “I lived here before we were together” and I said, “yeah- in an ex girlfriend’s apartment you were neither on the lease for nor adequately paid rent for

He brings up the 19k of tax refund we got- I say “based on my salary and the beach house that I pay for”. He says- ” you spend money on the beach house and don’t tell me about it” (what?!) I bought 2 pieces of furniture which I did tell him about. the rest has been from mom. I also have to buy a list of things the rental company insists on each year. He is ridiculous.

He tells me he wants my Winston Churchill painting. I say- it was mine before the marriage.

So as he heads to the door he says, “it would be a real shame if while you were gone, we had a break-in”. I said- “would you do something like that?!” Then he storms out.

I call mom and finally get her at the auction house. I say 3 words and he walks back in.

He says, “I am so sorry. I will do whatever you want”. Then he leaves again.


Then he comes back in about 15 minutes- long enough for me to call mom back and fill her in.

I ask him if he is alright. He says no. He gets on his computer, heads to the loo, poops (clearly some IBS going on from the sound of it) and says he is going out for a while. I figure he is probably going to his friend Bobby’s house (shitty divorce going on there with kids).

I am packing for San Fran. Leaving tomorrow am for a 3 day business trip. Hoping to give him some calm down time. I packed all my expensive jewelry..

So now- do I give the atty 5k and hire him or hope that this can go nicely with a mediator? I have no idea…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: